So, here I am at work, totally not working.

I've been restless/burn out lately. And frustrated with myself (mostly), and with circumstances around me.

Okay, so I have to make this short, but I wanted to put in a note to say that I did go ahead and put in the application for the airforce job. I only told one other (trusted) co-worker. The position announcement is open until April 16, so I don't think they'll even begin to review applications until then. I hope I filled everything out correctly - government sites can be so confusing.

I'm hoping for the job, but also not hoping for it. The larger part of me is hoping for it, of course. But, if I was offered it, I'd have to go through some messy stuff here...I guess I'd have to do that whenever I left here, but still. I hate confrontations of any kind.

Life here is...okay. Counting my blessings - I am close(er) to Rachel, I have a job, roof over my head, food to eat. I do have a church I'm involved in...but I'm the youngest one there by far, unless you count the two 15 year old girls who're there occasionally with their parents. Other than that, I really have no life here. I wrestle with how much of that is my fault - I'm not the most outgoing person in the world - and how much of it is just that I don't naturally fit in with the farmer/high school sports nut/weekend partier people around here.

Well, there I go. Rambling when I don't have time. I am interupped by pop-up messages from my work email, so I'd better take that as a sign.

Well, another year has come and gone since my last post.

Christmas was good, although way too short. I spent it with my family, and on Christmas Day we celebrated (and I mean CELEBRATED) with another family we are good friends with. I really just wanted to wallow with my family for the remainder of the time, but I got myself together and went to visit Julienne in Kansas City for New Years. It was good to see her, and I wish I was closer. I wish I was closer to all my friends, really :).

Then, it was back to work. Sigh. Even as I took this position, I've known it's not going to be forever. At the beginning, I was thinking 3-5 years, but now I wonder if I can last that long. Sure, there are aspects of the job that make me think this job isn't for me for ever. I worry that while a position like this allows me to put "experience" on the resume, it doesn't do much else to advance my career. I feel unable to be creative or innovative in this job (long story). Also, this job makes me wonder if I should be an academic librarian, or if I should move to public libraries.

But mostly it's everything besides the 9-5 stuff (or, I should say, the 7:30-5 stuff) that makes me think I need to find a different position. Things are very small-town around here. Those of you who have lived/are from a small town will know what I mean. Small town people don't really welcome outsiders very well. And, I could be considered an outsider for as long as 5 years. I'm a single woman living alone, which is an oddity. Add to that the fact that I go to church, don't drink much, and don't party, and there's nothing much available for me to do. There isn't much of an arts community (certainly not an active one), and I am not a sports nut. Lastly, and this may be petty, but there isn't much of a chance of me meeting any available, suitable men around here. It's good that Rachel's close, or I think I would have gone nuts already. The question is, how long do I have to be here before it would be kosher to move on? I've certainly prayed about it, but I haven't heard one way or the other.

I've kind of lost all motivation in my hobbies at home. I think some of it is just the winter blues. But, some of it is an alarming habit I've developed. I've never been good at socializing, but now I think I'm in real danger of being a hermit. It seems to me that this is just another indicator that I need to find somewhere else to live - somewhere with some kind of active arts community, with people my own age who go to church.

Speaking of which, I do feel like I've finally found a church here. There isn't anyone near my age, and it's really really small, but unlike a lot of situations here, I've felt welcomed and cared about/for. And, I am trying to get out of the house - I'm taking a ceramics class on Monday nights. Yes, the freshmen are annoying - they still act like high schoolers. But, the instructor just lets me do my own thing and zone out. I don't know that I'm actually learning all that much, but at least I'm not at home watching TV, or reading a book, or surfing the net.

Wow. It's been about a month since I blogged. So, here goes a random entry, just to let everyone know I'm still out here, and a bit of what's been going through my head lately...

So, I'm listening to the soundtrack from the "Twilight" movie. I ripped a copy from the library my Mom works at. Slightly illegal, I know, but I also know I'm not the only one who does it. Right people? Anyway, at first I thought, "well nice album, but I wouldn't have bought it". Yeah. Now, it's stuck in my head. I play it at least once through every time I'm on the computer. I like all the songs, really, although Full Moon by Black Ghost, Flightless Bird by Iron & Wine, and Bella's Lullaby by Carter Bullwell have to be my favorites. The songs run through my head when I'm at work!

Speaking of work....well, I don't think I really mentioned this on xanga when it happened, but here goes now...Back in October, I went to a library conference and did a presentation (as part of one of the conference sessions) with a couple other library colleagues from K-State Salina. So, two weeks after the conference, I find out that some of the things I presented in the session didn't go down so well with my director (who happened to attend my presentation). I had no intention of making waves, or making a presentation that reflected negatively on her or my library, but according to her, it did. (I've since talked to a couple other people, who said they didn't see that at all in my presentation.) So, I made my apologies, and tried to forget about it. Well, negative or not, our little presentation was accepted for consideration at an international conference in Italy next August. It will need significant re-writes, but still - just the chance to maybe present in freakin' Italy! So, I mentioned the possibility to my director, and let's just say I got the distinct impression that all is not forgiven nor forgotten. Sigh. I hate conflict. I hate the possibility of conflict.

I'm not really in a holiday mood this year. I wouldn't say I'm in a bad mood (although I could use a good long break), but Christmas trees and Santa and snowflakes just aren't inspiring festive moods in me. I think because Christmas, to me, is more about family time than anything else, and since I have to work up until Christmas Day, I feel I have no time to anticipate family time, let alone enjoy it. Sigh.

The more I think about my future, I get the distinct impression that this is not a permanent place for me. I'm okay with that. In fact, it helps me cope sometimes. I do want to be settled, I really do, just not here. I would like to be closer to either friends or family, or both. It struck me the other day, though, that what I want just won't happen. I think, on some subconscious level, I was really hoping to somehow be settled a lot closer to all my friends from college (and a couple of friends I've made before and after that). But that just won't happen. And, I wouldn't want my friends to leave places and opportunites they have now. I'm just not sure where to go from now. It's not like I've ever had some detailed plan for my life. I feel like a great blank future is yawning up before me, and I have no ispiration for where it should go from here. I have no overarching goal, so neither do I have more short-term goals to distract me in the mean time.

Well, not to leave on such an existential note, but my fingers are numb. The computer is in the spare bedroom, and to conserve energy, I don't heat it. Instead, I wrap up in a fleece blanket and put my feet on a heating pad, but the keyboard isn't heated....so hopefully you, gentle reader, are warmer that I am right now, and despite my own feelings, I wish you all happy holidays.